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Thinking tonight about a vague memory from my childhood, which I think says a lot about who I am and how I live my life.

I was on some kind of long nature hike with my family and some friends of my parents and their kids. I was getting tired of walking but my parents said I was too big to be carried now. I felt tired and sad about having to walk on my own.

So I looked at a kid who was smaller than me and having an even harder time with the long walk, and gave that kid a long piggyback ride. And then I wasn't walking on my own, and I didn't feel so tired anymore. I just felt so proud and happy that I was giving that kid the comfort of a ride.

I am much better at taking care of others than I am at letting others take care of me, or even than I am at taking care of myself. I do much better at things when I have a focus of somebody needing me, and fulfilling that need makes me happy.

But that only really works out if it is something I'm only doing some of the time, when I choose to. If I try to do it too much of the time for any one person, it wears me down and I don't know how to set the boundaries right, and at some point I snap. That's part of why I need a lot of alone time, and like relationships that seem to naturally give me a good balance of time together and alone time.

These rambling thoughts brought to you by the question, "How do you stay so calm?". At the time, all that came to mind was, "I'm not always calm"and "I don't know". But if I'm calm, it is because I think someone needs me to be calm, and I don't need to NOT be calm. If someone pisses me off enough, this can break down as it hits the point where I don't care what the fuck they need from me. But when this happens I tend to eventually go off on my own and read a book, and then I am calm again.

I have more thoughts on this, including a digression about how as a child I was ridiculously strong for my size, but right now I should get ready for bed.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
ex_ignusfaa
Jul. 31st, 2012 05:56 am (UTC)
THis is Kayla. I relate to everything you wrote. I think i pout more than you do when there's noone who needs me to distract myself with. When i really need to stay calm as i did earlier today in a shitty restaurant, an obnoxious teenager, a hyper girl friend and a stolen wsllet i just zoned out and sketched the others at the table. I hate having my wallet stolen. I really wanted a tantrum. Hi!!
grenacia
Jul. 31st, 2012 12:43 pm (UTC)
Hi!

I've done the sketching-to-stay-calm thing too. Most memorably when I was 18 and my mom decided to sit me down and tell me the entire life story of her college years (because she thought I should know and because she thought maybe it would keep me from making the same mistakes as her) I filled a sketch pad with pretty doodles as she talked.

Knitting has also been good for staying calm, in other "OMG I need to sit here and listen to these people until they're done talking" sort of situations.
mplsindygirl
Jul. 31st, 2012 06:52 pm (UTC)
It's nice to learn more about you and your thoughts.
Also, fun to hang out with you the other night and give you hugs:)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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